The Osama Pages
I've compiled some of the humorous images I've received
regarding this asshole. Don't make the mistake that this
humour indicates anything but disgust with his and his group's
actions. They and their kind will be dust and forgotten, and
we will live on.
CLICK
HERE to see the Taliban Singles page.
I've been trying to figure out the Taliban's long-term strategy
and I think I've got it. They're trying to reverse
evolution. Their uncontrolled body hair is a good start. Living in
caves was an obvious step too. The hard part was eliminating any
trace of intelligence
in the children, but they've made great strides in that area. Have
you seen the video of the Taliban 
schools where the little kids
squat on the floor and rock back and forth chanting all day? No
math, no social studies, just rocking and
chanting.
For
Physical Education they use sticks to whack stuffed dummies labelled
"Bush" and "Blair." I'm not sure how they know
how to spell "Bush" and "Blair." On any given
morning they're probably whacking dummies labelled "Tqwft"
and "Upxpgt", but it's a good aerobic workout
either way.
Just for fun, ask yourself what part of the Taliban curriculum
could NOT be accomplished by, for example, a monkey rocking back
and forth? Chanting? Beating a dummy with a stick? Even if a
monkey only got a "D" in chanting, he would still
graduate with honours from a Taliban school thanks to his high
overall grades in rocking and whacking.
As I write this, our generals are trying to figure out how to
get the Taliban out of their caves. They're running sophisticated
war game scenarios and calculating risks and gathering
intelligence.
I have one word for them: Bananas
Ireland Declares War On al-Qaida
Osama bin Laden was sitting in his cave wondering whom to
invade next when his telephone rang.
"Hallo, Mr. Laden" a heavily accented voice said.
"This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Sligo, Ireland.
I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on
you!"
"Well, Paddy," Osama replied, "This is indeed
important news! How big is your army?"
"Right now," said Paddy, after a moment's
calculation, "there is myself, my cousin Sean, my next door neighbour
Seamus, and the entire dart team from the pub. That makes
eight!"
Osama paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have one
million men in my army waiting to move on my command."
"Begorra! said Paddy. "I'll have to ring you
back!"
Sure enough, the next day, Paddy called again. "Mr. Laden,
the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry
equipment!"
"And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Osama
asked.
"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's
farm tractor."
Osama sighed. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 16,000
tanks and 14,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I've increased
my army to 1-1/2 million since we last spoke."
"Saints preserve us!" said Paddy. "I'll have to
get back to you."
Sure enough, Paddy rang again the next day. "Mr. Laden,
the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne!
We've modified Harrigan's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in
the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Pub have joined us as
well!"
Osama was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat.
"I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 10,000 bombers and
20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by
laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last
spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"
"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph! said Paddy, "I'll have to
ring you back."
Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. "Top o' the
mornin', Mr. Laden! I am sorry to tell you that we have had to
call off the war."
"I'm sorry to hear that," said Osama. "Why the
sudden change of heart?"
"Well," said Paddy, "we've all had a long chat
over a bunch of pints, and decided there's no way we can feed two
million prisoners.
Bye Bye Afghanistan
Mullah Mohammed Hassan Akhund, the deputy Taliban leader, and
George W. Bush agree to meet in Kabul for the first round of talks
in a new anti-terrorism process. When George sits down, he notices
three buttons on the arm of Akhund's chair. They begin talking.
After about five minutes Akhund presses the first button. A
boxing glove springs out of a box on the desk and punches Bush in
the face. Annoyed, Bush carries on talking as Akhund laughs. A few
minutes later the second button is pressed. This time a big boot
comes out and kicks Bush in the shin.
Again Akhund laughs, and again George carries on talking, not
wanting to put off the bigger issue of peace between the two
countries. But when the third button is pressed and another boot
comes out and kicks Bush square in the privates, he's finally had
enough.
"I'm headin' back home!" he calmly tells the
Afghan. "We'll finish these talks in Washington
in two weeks!"
A fortnight passes and Akhund flies to the United States for
talks. As the two men sit down, Akhund notices three buttons on
Bush's chair arm and prepares himself for the Texan's retaliation.
They begin talking and George presses the first button. Akhund
ducks, but nothing happens. George snickers but they continue
talking. A few minutes later he presses the second button. Akhund
jumps up, but again nothing happens. Bush roars with laughter.
They continue the talks but when the third button is pressed,
Akhund jumps up again, but again nothing happens. Bush falls on
the floor in a fit of hysterics.
"Forget this," says Akhund. "I'm going back to
Afghanistan!"
George W. says, through tears of laughter, "What
Afghanistan?"
The Genie & The Wall
Three guys, a Canadian, Osama Bin Laden and Uncle Sam are out
walking
together one day. They come across a
lantern and a genie pops out of it.
"I will give each of you each one wish, that's three
wishes total," says the genie.
The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer,
and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile
in Canada." With a blink of the genie's eye, 'POOF' the land
in Canada was forever made fertile for farming.
Osama Bin Laden was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall
around Afghanistan, so that no infidels, Jews or Americans can
come into our precious state." Again, with a blink of the
genie's eye, 'POOF' there was a huge wall around Afghanistan.
Uncle Sam (A former civil engineer), asks, "I'm very
curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The genie
explains, "Well, it's about 15,000 feet high, 500 feet thick
and completely surrounds the country; nothing can get in or
out---virtually impenetrable."
Uncle Sam says, "Fill it with water."
Knitting Needles A Threat
Subject: Late Breaking News Flash!
CHICAGO --- The war on terrorism took a strange and sad turn
Friday as airline officials at O'Hare International Airport
refused to let a 73 year old grandmother board her plane as she
had in her possession 2 - six inch knitting needles.
Apparently authorities were worried that she might knit an
Afghan.
Here's one that isn't Osama, but seems to belong
here:
