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The Parrot Sketch
Praline : John Cleese
Shopkeeper: Michael Palin
Porter: Terry Jones
Colonel: Graham Chapman
Mr Praline walks into shop carrying a dead
parrot in a cage.
He walks to counter where shopkeeper tries to hide below cash
register.
| PRALINE |
Hello, I wish to register a complaint... Hello? Miss? |
| SHOPKEEPER |
What do you mean, miss? |
| PRALINE |
Oh, I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a
complaint. |
| SHOPKEEPER |
Sorry, we're closing for lunch. |
| PRALINE |
Never mind that my lad, I wish to make a complain
about this parrot what I purchased not half an hour ago
from this very boutique. |
| SHOPKEEPER |
Oh yes, the Norwegian Blue. What's wrong with it? |
| PRALINE |
I'll tell you what's wrong with it. It's dead, that's
what wrong with it. |
| SHOPKEEPER |
No, no it's resting, look! |
| PRALINE |
Look my lad, I know a dead parrot when I see one and
I'm looking at one right now. |
| SHOPKEEPER |
No, no sir, it's not dead. It's resting. |
| PRALINE |
Resting? |
| SHOPKEEPER |
Yeah, remarkable bird the Norwegian Blue, beautiful
plumage, innit? |
| PRALINE |
The plumage don't enter to it - it's stone dead. |
| SHOPKEEPER |
No, no - it's just resting. |
| PRALINE |
All right then, if it's resting I'll wake it up. (shouts
into cage) Hello Polly! I've got a nice cuttlefish
for you when you wake up, Polly Parrot! |
| SHOPKEEPER |
(jogging cage) There it moved. |
| PRALINE |
No he didn't. That was you pushing the cage. |
| SHOPKEEPER |
I did not. |
| PRALINE |
Yes, you did. (takes parrot out of cage, shouts)
Hello Polly, Polly (bangs it against counter)
Polly Parrot, wake up. Polly. (throws it in the air
and lets it fall to the floor) Now that's what I
call a dead parrot. |
| SHOPKEEPER |
No, no it's stunned. |
| PRALINE |
Look my lad, I've had just enough of this. That
parrot is definitely deceased. And when I bought it not
half an hour ago, you assured me that its lack of
movement wad due to it being tired and shagged out after
a long squawk. |
| SHOPKEEPER |
It's probably pining for the fiords. |
| PRALINE |
Pining for the fiords, what kind of talk is that?
Look, why did it fall flat on its back the moment I got
home? |
| SHOPKEEPER |
The Norwegian Blue prefers kipping on its back.
Beautiful bird, lovely plumage. |
| PRALINE |
Look, I took the liberty of examining that parrot,
and I discovered that the only reason that it had been
sitting on its perch in the first place was that it had
been nailed there. |
| SHOPKEEPER |
Well of course it was nailed there. Otherwise it
would muscle up to those bars and voom. |
| PRALINE |
Look matey (picks up parrot) this parrot
wouldn't voom if I put four thousand volts through it.
It's bleeding demised. |
| SHOPKEEPER |
It's not, it's pining. |
| PRALINE |
It's not pining, it's passed on. This parrot is no
more. It has ceased to be. It's expired and gone to meet
its maker. This is a late parrot. It's a stiff. Bereft of
life, it rests in peace. If you hadn't nailed it to the
perch, it would be pushing up the daisies. It's rung down
the curtain and joined the choir invisible. This is an
ex-parrot. |
| SHOPKEEPER |
Well, I'd better replace it then. |
| PRALINE |
(to camera) If you want to get anything done
in this country you've got to complain till you're blue
in the mouth. |
| SHOPKEEPER |
Sorry guv, we're right out of parrots. |
| PRALINE |
I see. I see. I get the picture. |
| SHOPKEEPER |
I've got a slug. |
| PRALINE |
Does it talk? |
| SHOPKEEPER |
Not really, no. |
| PRALINE |
Well, it's scarcely a replacement, then is it? |
| SHOPKEEPER |
Listen, I'll tell you what, (handing over a card)
tell you what, if you go to my brother's pet shop in
Bolton he'll replace your parrot for you. |
| PRALINE |
Bolton eh? |
| SHOPKEEPER |
Yeah. |
| PRALINE |
All right. He leaves, holding the parrot. |
CAPTION: 'A SIMILAR PET SHOP IN BOLTON, LANCS'
Close-up of sign on door reading: 'Similar
Pet Shops Ltd'.
Pull back from sign to see same pet shop. Shopkeeper now has
moustache. Praline walks into shop. He looks around with
interest, noticing the empty parrot cage still on the floor.
Man in porter's outfit standing at complaints
desk for railways.
| PRALINE |
Er, excuse me. This is Bolton, is it? |
| SHOPKEEPER |
No, no it's, er, Ipswich. |
| PRALINE |
(to camera) That's Inter-City
Rail for you. (leaves)
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Praline approaches the desk.
| PRALINE |
I wish to make a complaint. |
| PORTER |
I don't have to do this, you know. |
| PRALINE |
I beg your pardon? |
| PORTER |
I'm qualified brain surgeon. I only do
this because I like being my own boss. |
| PRALINE |
Er, excuse me, this is irrelevant, isn't
it? |
| PORTER |
Oh yeah, it's not easy to pad these out
to thirty minutes. |
| PRALINE |
Well I wish to make a complaint. I got
on the Bolton train and found myself deposited here in
Ipswich. |
| PORTER |
No, this is Bolton. |
| PRALINE |
(to camera) The pet shop
owner's brother was lying. |
| PORTER |
Well you can't blame British Rail for
that. |
| PRALINE |
If this is Bolton, I shall return to the
pet shop. |
CAPTION: 'A LITTLE LATER LTD'
Praline walks into the shop again.
| PRALINE |
I understand that this is
Bolton. |
| SHOPKEEPER |
Yes. |
| PRALINE |
Well, you told me it was Ipswich. |
| SHOPKEEPER |
It was a pun. |
| PRALINE |
A pun? |
| SHOPKEEPER |
No, no, not a pun, no. What's the other
thing which reads the same backwards as forwards? |
| PRALINE |
A palindrome? |
| SHOPKEEPER |
Yes, yes. |
| PRALINE |
It's not a palindrome. The palindrome of
Bolton would be Notlob. It don't work. |
| SHOPKEEPER |
Look, what do you want? |
| PRALINE |
No I'm sorry, I'm not prepared to pursue
my line of enquiry any further as I think this is getting
too silly. |
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| COLONEL |
(coming in) Quite agree. Quite
agree. Silly...silly. Right get on with it. Get on with
it. |
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