News Flash: Microsoft Buys 1997

Seattle, Washington   --  In a surprise move, Microsoft chairman Bill Gates announced yesterday that he has purchased the entire calendar year of 1997.   1997 will be replaced instead by "Year-M," to be followed by the actual 1997.  In other words, 1998 will be put on hold for at least one year.   "Windows 97 may not ship on schedule," Gates said.  "But we can't change the name again... people are starting to get confused.  So instead of spending a lot of time and money on a new marketing campaign, we decided just to buy 1997.   That way we get an extra year to debug Windows 97 and get it shipped for what will be the new 1997." 

Microsoft arranged this coup by leveraging its financial assets to bail out the Federal Government and pay off part of the national debt.  The IRS is being disbanded for next year, but taxes will be collected as usual with one change: all checks must be made payable to "Bill Gates".  A side benefit of this purchase is that Gates now owns the judicial branch for the duration of "Year-M."  Speculators stated that Gates will likely use this opportunity to dismiss the numerous lawsuits still pending against Microsoft.  Gates apparently feels this will be cheaper than actually hiring lawyers to represent his cases.

In a related story, God has filed suit against Gates because of his purchase, claiming time to be the sole property of God.  In a counter suit,  Gates claims God is a monopoly and demands that he be broken up into "deity conglomerates." Gates asserted, "They broke up AT&T... why can't we break up God?" Inside sources at Microsoft said Gates is looking for an early resolution to the suit by hiring God as a programmer.  Evidently, God has the exact profile that Gates is looking for in a programmer:  he doesn't mind rainy climates, doesn't need money, isn't married, and can work for at least 6 days without sleeping.  "If we can just get some employees like that," Gates lamented, "we will be able to ship Windows 97 on time."